the happiness project by gretchen rubin

I have been reading a lot of books lately about clearing out the clutter of one's home (and mind), for an easier life. A friend suggested I might want to check out The Happiness Project: Or, Why I Spent a Year Trying to Sing in the Morning, Clean My Closets, Fight Right, Read Aristotle, and Generally Have More Fun by Gretchen Rubin, so I gave it a try. I can't say that there was anything new or startling in its pages, but it was a quick, mostly fun read.

The book begins with Rubin wondering one afternoon if she is really happy, and what that means for her life and for our modern society. The former law clerk for Supreme Court Justice Sandra Day O'Connor is a born researcher — she started reading every book on the subject of happiness and has compiled tons of quotes and distilled theories from great minds through the ages, which she shares here with her readers. After doing a little research of my own I discovered that she also lives in much tonier digs and has a much comfier lifestyle than the "just us folks" tone of her book might suggest.

Gretchen Rubin, happy at home

"... Happiness has four stages. To eke out the most happiness from an experience, we must anticipate it, savor it as it unfolds, express happiness, and recall a happy memory."

Rubin is also a compulsive list-maker and in love with charting and graphing her progress, so she offers ideas about keeping a "happiness chart" and different projects or areas of one's life that could be examined month-by-month for an entire year. The rigid structure of the book left me kind of cold. I like to change things in my day-to-day life — the position of the furniture in a room, what I might eat or drink to see if it has a beneficial effect, but I would tend to feel overburdened if I had to keep a resolution chart to keep tabs on my progress. That would feel like taking a test. I hate the idea of a food diary. It just makes me feel bad if on Monday a turkey sandwich agreed with me and on Wednesday it didn't. But Rubin, as she keeps reminding us ad nauseum throughout The Happiness Project, is addicted to gold stars and recognition for her efforts. She likes writing happiness commandments and setting resolutions. That all seemed a bit gimmicky for me.

So while I might find her a bit overbearing to hang out with on a regular basis (enough about how you live in New York City, and over sharing about the hubby and kiddies, blah, blah, blah), I did enjoy some of the quotes and ideas about happiness that she culled and shared. A quote from the poet William Butler Yeats resonated, "Happiness is neither virtue nor pleasure nor this thing nor that, but simply growth." I like that. Rubin, thankfully, is not all serious, all the time. She can be funny, too, "Love is a funny thing. I'd donate a kidney to Jamie [her husband] without a moment's hesitation, but I was intensely annoyed if he asked me to make a special stop at the drugstore to pick up shaving cream."

The saving grace of the sometimes overly pushy Rubin and her project is that she is human, as the above quote proves. Her happiness project is a work-in-progress, and not a be-all or win situation. It has also turned into a highly lucrative career for her, as the book and its follow-up were both best sellers. It also generated a blog and other associated merchandise. Who's happy now?

So was reading The Happiness Project at all helpful to my own personal journey? I have to say yes. Rubin admits to being an impatient person, but one month she decided to let a bit of that go, and remind herself to give other people some slack. I think that is a helpful reminder on how to deal with that person who cut you off on the road or in line at the grocery store. Instead of your go-to response to curse them out or get ticked or upset or whatever else such bad behavior usually elicits, take a step back and give them some slack. You don't know what their story is, what their hurry is. Yes, the answer may even be that they are a rude jerk, but so what. Let it go. It really doesn't matter, and the foul mood it puts you in simply isn't worth it. Since I read The Happiness Project I have been trying to deal with frustrating people and situations by giving them — and myself — a bit more slack. And I have to admit it helps.

2014

2014 is here.

No lie, 2013 was a tough one round here. Some of the things I was dealing with are past, and some are still current. I see this year and the way I live it as in transition. More changes are coming.

I have been working overtime in 2013 to get strong and healthy and have a positive mindset, and that will continue to be my mantra for this new year. I wish the same to you and yours.

xoxoxo e

resolutions

New year's resolutions. I guess they're a good idea. At least, as long as they are positive goals to aspire to, and not guilt-inducing impossible tasks.

Anyway, I hope to approach the new year with a more positive spirit and lighter touch. It's in my nature to worry too much and try to take on too much responsibility — even when I'm already overburdened. I hope to be able to, well slack off a bit. I'd also like to pursue my course of getting stronger and healthier in the new year and beyond. I'd like to be lest apt to jump on things, react too quickly or too tartly. Be kinder. Especially with myself. I'd like to laugh a lot more. I'd like everyone else around me to do the same.

Here's hoping that 2013 is fun, funny, and relaxed.

the spiral of life

I've been thinking lately about the changes I have gone through in my daughter's first five years of life. Some have been expected, and some not.

When she was first born I was thrilled to meet her, relieved that everything went well, and simultaneously excited and horrified at the reality that this little human's life was in my hands. The first few months were a getting-to-know-you period where I met this person who had been living inside my body for the past nine months. My new roommate was demanding, and I had to learn to love her amidst all the chaos, but I fell in love with her all over again pretty quickly. When I think about the rest of that first year, I mostly think of us face-to-face, with goofy grins.

The second year, which most dub the terrible twos, now seems a breeze - at least toddler behavior-wise. Milestones were met, walking and talking began in earnest. A real little person was in my life. Probably the greatest challenge for me was having to watch her get sick, or fall down and get hurt, and deal with all the worry, while trying to care for her and let her know that everything would be O.K. The rest of the year blurs with the third year and was a real struggle for me, as chilhood illness really took over, and it seemed that the two of us were sick all the time. I also started to lose who I was, my identity, and I think started to resent the whole motherhood gig. With added pressure from work from folks who aren't parents and just didn't get what it's like to be torn in two, to be wholly responsible for another's existence - well, it didn't help and tended to make a person cranky...

But we both started to get healthier, thanks to some lifestyle changes, staying out if range of some things and simply growing up and out of other things, so during the fourth year I started to find my own voice again. She became a bit more independent, and I could take some time to express myself, through my blog, or just be able to have a conversation with another adult and have her not be the only focus in the room, as four-year-olds are not as endlessly fascinating to folks as babies are.

Richard Long

This year we are circling back to where we were in year one. She's old enough to get her own breakfast on the weekends, so I can sleep in and get some me time. She is so smart and funny that we can get giddy and laugh or share a family joke. Or I can just sit and watch her in amazement as she tells a story or in delight as she dances, It's not quite the same stare at each other with goofy grins as before, but our worlds have changed, we are both older. But as I've observed before, life is not so much a circle, but a spiral, and we are in similar positions to the ones we were in five years ago, but now we are on a loop farther out on the spiral. And it's a good place to be.

forever blowing bubbles

da da da

When I was at art school my dear friend Sibylle introduced me to this incredibly silly and delightful song by the band Trio. I had my own copy of their album once upon a time. Thanks to the internet and iTunes it's possible to recapture the sounds of my not-always-misspent youth. Plus, it's just also damn fun to listen to. I dare you not to smile.

Trio - Da Da Da (1982)

get happy

I recently read an article from The Atlantic about personality and the quest for happiness.

Such contradictions arise all the time. If you ask people which makes them happier, work or vacation, they will remind you that they work for money and spend the money on vacations. But if you give them a beeper that goes off at random times, and ask them to record their activity and mood each time they hear a beep, you’ll likely find that they are happier at work. Work is often engaging and social; vacations are often boring and stressful. Similarly, if you ask people about their greatest happiness in life, more than a third mention their children or grandchildren, but when they use a diary to record their happiness, it turns out that taking care of the kids is a downer—parenting ranks just a bit higher than housework, and falls below sex, socializing with friends, watching TV, praying, eating, and cooking.

I don't really think it was a great article, but the paragraph above has really stayed with me. Basically, it really pissed me off. I'm not sure who the writer Paul Bloom spoke to, but I'm sorry, I'm not happier at work. There are moments when work can be satisfying, challenging and other positive adjectives. But my real life, thoughts, dreams, take place outside of work. And I truly wish the balance of time was more even. I spend way too much of my time under fluorescents. And the similar crap above about parenting. Yes, it can be a major pain in the ass sometimes - more so than I ever imagined when I dreamt of having a baby. But it is also wonderful and surprising. And by the by, how many ecstatically happy single people do you know?

I guess what really bugs me about all of this happy talk is just that - why is happiness the ultimate goal? Is life supposed to be happy, all the time? Aren't the good moments, just like laughter, chocolate, great sex, mental realization, supposed to be peak moments?

Don't get me wrong, I'm pretty darn happy right now, especially about the recent election. But I would say that an average day for me has its shares of laughs, frustrations, downright anger, and happy times too. Most fairy tales and movies end with that Frozen Happy Moment, as if the characters lives will continue in that state perpetually. I'm not trying to impose a happiness goal on myself, but rather, I am looking more for those little moments of happiness, that I can try to create, or be surprised by, in my day-to-day life.