ex-squeeze me? Baking powder?

Some days it feels like everything I needed to know I learned from Wayne's World.



Garth Algar: Uhm, Wayne? What do you do if every time you see this one incredible woman, you think you're gonna hurl?
Wayne Campbell: I say hurl. If you blow chunks and she comes back, she's yours. But if you spew and she bolts, then it was never meant to be.

Wayne Campbell: I once thought I had mono for an entire year. It turned out I was just really bored.

Stacy: Happy anniversary, Wayne.
Wayne Campbell: Stacy, we broke up two months ago.
Stacy: Well, that doesn't mean we can't still go out, does it?
Wayne Campbell: Well, it does actually, that's what breaking up is.\

Wayne Campbell: I mean, there are two Darren Stevens, right? Dick York and Dick Sargeant. Yeah, right, as if we wouldn't notice. Oh hold on: Dick York, Dick Sergeant, Sergeant York... Wow, that's weird.

Garth Algar: Sometimes I wish I could boldly go where no man has gone before... but I'll probably stay in Aurora. What are you thinking about?
Wayne Campbell: Cassandra. She's a fox. In French she would be called "la renarde" and she would be hunted with only her cunning to protect her.
Garth Algar: She's a babe.
Wayne Campbell: She's a robo-babe. In Latin she would be called "babia majora".
Garth Algar: If she were a president she would be Baberaham Lincoln.
[a brief pause]
Garth Algar: Did you ever find Bugs Bunny attractive when he put on a dress and played girl bunny?
Wayne Campbell: No.
[cracks up laughing]
Wayne Campbell: No.
Garth Algar: Neither did I. I was just asking.

Wayne Campbell: Tell me, when the first show is over, will you still love me when I'm an incredibly humungoid giant star?
Cassandra: Yeah.
Wayne Campbell: Will you still love me when I'm in my hanging-out-with-Ravi-Shankar phase?
Cassandra: Yeah.
Wayne Campbell: Will you still love me when I'm in my carbohydrate, sequined-jumpsuit, young-girls-in-white-cotton-panties, waking-up-in-a-pool-of-your-own-vomit, bloated-purple-dead-on-a-toilet phase?
Cassandra: Yeah.
Wayne Campbell: Okay, party. Bonus.

That's not your mother, it's a man, baby!

I haven't see the Love Guru (nor do I plan to), but I've been scratching my head wondering - what the heck happened to Mike Myers? Did someone tell him he was the new Peter Sellers? He obviously had been watching The Party. But he's not even close. He needs to leave the Sellers catalog alone. They didn't exactly hire him for Casino Royale. And I will personally come after him if he goes anywhere near Dr. Strangelove, After the Fox or Being There.

I understand about being an Anglophile. Myers is definitely trying to play off his British roots. The first Austin Powers rocked, making fun of the swinging 60's Michael Caine-esque super spy with horrible teeth. But the movies got steadily worse as they progressed. And his other character, Dr. Evil, became more fun than Austin. Horrifyingly, he has recently announced that he plans a #4 to honor his late father. I'm afraid it will be, like so much of his potty humor, #2.

I saw Wayne's World the other day and it was still a lot of fun. I won't mention the sequel - it's not worthy. Myers should steer clear of sequels, unless they're animated. Shrek remains a fun character, even if it is a milder riff of his brilliant portrayal of transplanted Scotsman, Stuart Mackenzie, the best thing about the mostly lame So I Married an Axe Murderer. Anthony LaPaglia was fun as a wannabe Serpico in that mess of a movie, too.

But being able to do a passable Brit accent doesn't automatically equal funny. Which is why Dr. Evil worked. He's funny (in the first movie) because he's evil - and loves it. Not too far from Myers's portrayal of Steve Rubell in 54. Indulge in the evil, Mike Myers. But quit spewing sequels. Unless it's Shrek, which also happens to feature Eddie Murphy's best work. Maybe ever.