anxious summer

I guess it's all just catching up with me. This summer I have been feeling out of sorts, nervous, tired. At first I thought I just had some summer flu, but my doc wasn't able to find any signs of infection. I think I just got run down after the school year, the two years, that we have been here in Florida.

My mom's dementia hasn't taken any major downturns, but there are noticeable differences from a year ago. She seems more frail, certain things she used to know, like where friends live, are completely gone. We had planned to take a trip to Orlando to visit my cousin in June, but at the last minute I freaked out about it, the hot weather, dealing with traveling with my mom while keeping the kid happy, my generally feeling crappy, and canceled it. Orlando's not going anywhere, and it would be smarter to go when it's not 90 degrees out. The kid took it well and my mom doesn't care — I'm the one feeling guilty and anxious that I'm giving my daughter a crappy summer.

I'm not, really — she's spending the time learning to swim in the pool, ride her bike. We've had fun outings and gone to the movies, etc. My doc suggested I was suffering from anxiety and should try to take some medicine short-term, which seems to help take the edge off, but then after two weeks, when I wasn't miraculously anxiety-free (is anyone?) she tried to up the ante with an anti-depressant. I took it just one night and thought I was going to die. Not for me. I'm still feeling a little jittery in the mornings (this was just a few days ago) — just one of those pills can throw you for a loop and hang around in your system, I guess. I've decided to stick with the first med for a few weeks and up my acupuncture visits.

My acupuncturist has also started to teach me tai chi, which I think will really help me too. I know I signed on for a hard job when we moved here, taking on my mom in addition to my daughter. It's just funny (not ha ha) to me that the time of the year when I am least busy, summer, is when the stress finally decided to hit the fan. I guess during the school year I'm too busy to let myself freak out. So this next month and a half, before she starts third grade, I am going to be working hard — on taking it easy.

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